Voices in my head told me to kill myself and to kill my mum

My First Time, Diary, Story Time,Often you read the news of someone who went on a killing spree. They were fine the day before, then went on a rampage the next day

After a night of binge-watching serial killer documentaries, I found myself having an uncontrollable urge to hurt my mum and anyone that crossed my path. It felt like I was in a maze of darkness and I was trying my hardest to get out of it. Unable to snap myself out of the daze, I pulled my mum aside and explained every dark thought that came to my mind. That night I went to sleep scared. I tried my best to ignore the voices. I remember hugging my pillow tight, resisting the urge to go to the kitchen to get a knife to murder my mum. I actually can’t believe I’m writing this for the world to see. Often you read the news of someone who went on a killing spree. They were fine the day before, then went on a rampage the next day. That would have been me, but I recited bible scriptures every time those thoughts came to my mind. This helped to quiet the voices. It felt like I was possessed, unable to see clearly and think straight. To the world, I could see properly, but I knew there was a dark wool blurring my vision.

I was unable to commute without a voice in my mind saying “Aren’t you curious what would happen if you pushed someone in front of the train?”, “Don’t you want to know what it feels like to see someone die in front of you?” , “Don’t you want to find out if you can get away with murder?” Those words were strong and loud, and that was all I could hear. So I would read scripture 2 Corinthians 10:5, then go to the back of the platform. As soon as the voice realised I wouldn’t listen to it, suicidal thoughts started to come to my mind.

The voice would always say “If you don’t want to get your hands dirty, why don’t you just kill yourself and get this torture over with” Soon enough I started contemplating how I would take my life. Those feelings got so strong, I prayed to God to take my life away in my sleep, watch over my family and ease their pain.

Whenever this feeling got really strong and I found myself unable to pray, I would call my Christians friend Tobi, or Yinka. They are understanding and knew just what to say to help ease those feelings away. I could no longer watch violent movies and I avoided reading the newspaper. I created a safe haven by reading the scriptures and getting closer to God. No one knew I had this problem except my Mum and closest friends. It’s just not something you tell people…well until now.

The eyes truly are the window to your soul, so be careful what you watch and feed your minds with. Also, the power of life and death lies in the tongue, so be careful what you say. Without God, I don’t know where I would have ended up. Satan wanted to see me either rot in prison or six feet under. However, my God has other plans for me and he is great. Going through this has given me the capability to have more empathy and sympathy for others. I’m a lot more patient with people, understanding and nicer. Everyone is fighting their own battles and demons, it takes nothing away from you by being nicer to others.

And yes, of course, I’m going to seek medical help soon. I want to talk to a therapist and continue to heal from this. Thank you for reading, I hope you have a blessed and amazing day.

Side Note: Here are the scriptures that helped me during this period of my life.

I read Psalm 3, Psalm 24 and Psalm 91, Psalm 62:5-7 before I went to bed.

Isaiah 41:10, 1 John 4:18, Hebrew 13:6, 2 Corinthians 10:5, Romans 12:21, Joshua 1:9, Ephesians 6:10-11 were the scripture I meditated on when those thoughts came. I listened to Hillsong Album Glorious Ruins, Listened and read the book of Psalms also.

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7 thoughts on “Voices in my head told me to kill myself and to kill my mum

  1. Khrissie says:

    Buma it made me so sad to hear you have been going through this. Your so so brave for sharing your story and I hope it helps anyone in the same person.

    Your an amazing woman full of life, laughter and a gorgeous smile and I know things are going to be okay for you in the end. I’m so happy to hear you have found some inner peace and wish you all the best for your recovery.

    I’m here if you ever want to get out for a coffee ❤️

  2. Augusta says:

    wow thank you for sharing, this is a powerful testimony who knows how many people have struggled with this and this entry can be used as a word of encouragement and direction.

    Right now I pray in the name of Jesus Christ that this testimony is permanent and that as the Word says that we have overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, you are more than an overcomer, may the Lord continue to guide you, the Holy Spirit comfort you and deliver you from any and every lie of the enemy. Right now I declare that the kingdom of darkness waging war against you and your mind must submit to the name of Jesus Christ. In Jesus name. May the Lord give you joy, complete deliverance, and peace of mind. You are more than a conqueror through the Lord Jesus Christ. In Jesus name, Amen.

    • Bumascloset says:

      AMEN IN JESUS NAME!!!!! Thank you so much for reading and Praying! May God bless you and your family abundantly in JESUS NAME!. You’re amazing! I can’t thank you enough

  3. Breeny says:

    So brave of you to share buma, you know I love you like a lil sis and you can always talk to me about everything, you will get better! Thank you for sharing your testimony with the world and I believe everything will work together to bring good all the way back to you! You’re so right about the eyes being the windows to the soul, it’s important we feed our eyes with more light and less darkness! Love you baby girl xx

  4. Gee says:

    I really think you should seek medical help, I know you’re very religious and that is obviously helping you but things like this are very serious. You don’t want to risk anything, continue praying if it works for you but also get the help you need and get diagnosed. Hearing voices is not a normal occurrence that happens to everyone, it’s a serious sign of a personality disorder and a mental health issue. I hope you’re okay and wish you all the best. My auntie said these episodes will continue unless you start the battle to stop them, my auntie is a mental health doctor and she is religious too. Research the best ways to tackle this too, and don’t just accept the first pills they offer you not every pill works for everyone.

    • Bumascloset says:

      Hey Gee, Thank you for your advice, I’ve booked an appointment with my GP regarding this issue. I want him to assign me to a therapist i could see. Also, Can you contact me via twitter. I would love to talk to you. Thank you for reading 🙂

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